Phil Wanzer

December 30, 2018 at 8:48 AM ·

Everything is strange...I thought about ending this post right there, but that wouldn't be fair to you as a reader now would it? You would ask what am I feeling? You mean like "feelings" I would say to Cathie, you mean you want me to say how I'm really feeling? It is a tough one for some of us. If you were to enter my thoughts, it would be a nightmare for you I"m sure, a mixed up mess of thoughts and ideas. I asked a doc one time, why do things enter your thought process, that totally goes against everything you stand for. It can be a horrible place in your head for a brief second. Most of these moments you may never tell another human being. An example is you love deeply you the person you are with and you are standing on the edge of a cliff. Suddenly a random thought enters and you want to push them over the edge. You would never do that and I know by revealing that, nobody is going to stand by me on a cliff in the future. You may not be cursed with this influx of thoughts, at random times, so you don't have a clue what I'm talking about. We are all on this edge, teetering. Insanity is just a strong wind away, to knock you over, it is from the other side these random thoughts come from, just let them be, don't pay much heed to them...

Sometimes I compare my life to a video game, it is how I drive my car, it is me against everybody else, I plan moves well in advance. Soon I must drive to the grocery store. When I started this post I was just going to say, Everything is strange. So I will go through the motions at the store and get it done, and I bet I will have a good time talking to whoever will listen. But deep down inside, I'm like a scared rabbit, ready to bolt at any moment. It is just a confused mess, but through it all, I know most of the time I'm not bored. My boss voiced his concern of all this time off, I'm worried I may get bored. Birdhouses saved me from that, but if it weren't houses, it would have been something else. Well, I'm going to put on some decent clothes, face the world, only if for a brief moment, I have 5 houses left, then cleaning the shop up. I have plenty of short pieces of wood, maybe a prototype bee house is next. Y'all have a good day, Peace, you know like, Peace! Brother, Peace! Sister, do you remember how that used to be? Love and a Happy New Year to all!

I'm slowly catching up (never will completely) with technology. Since Cathie bought us each an Amazon Fire, I can now, as I just did, unloaded the dishwasher, did tons of plastic things by hand, bleached and scrubbed the whole sink, and listened to NPR the whole time. Before that, I walked around my house outside to check where the signal is picked up, I can sit on the porch of the shop, but not in the shop, I can stand halfway in the driveway and all around the front of the house, I guess I need a booster for the shop? Now that you know all that what else can I bore you with? Overcast and somewhere in the '40s. Sun is supposed to be out later after several days of rainy weather. It would be a great morning in the woods but just gonna hang out, I have a work order on birdhouse parts to make. I need like 45 backs, 45 bottoms, 45 fronts, 45 front attachment to make a tunnel, 45 roofs, and 90 sides. Gee whiz Batman, how we gonna handle that? It only sounds like a lot, cause it is a lot. Did I tell you I live on the very tip of insanity? Right on the edge. Often I venture over that edge, like on the drive to work, in the dark each workday. The other morning I was driving through a tunnel, I thought what tunnel is this I'm driving through, it was near the Petit Jean River, I came back to the real world as I approached Ola. Many times the fear enters my soul when I realize I don't know where I'm at, panic can set in, in a second. I tell myself just keep going straight ahead, I'm going to work I tell myself. Then I see a landmark, brings me back down, don't bring me down. Then I arrive at work, open the door, a whole different world now starts up. I'll be okay my friends, this is how I've spent my whole life, teetering on the brink. I do the best I can. Peace and love to you all. It is a strange life we all share, isn't it?

As I awaken, as if from a dream
I'm eye level with the stench
of this primordial swamp
I'm laying in

Wasn't it just yesterday
I was at the mountain top
praising and rejoicing
now as gas bubbles burst around me
I think if I let myself go under
I would become those bubbles in time
I hear something
a rustling over that way
do I dare move
do I have the strength
yes as I move as if swimming in muck
I slowly pull myself up and out of the slime
Sleep comes and I dream again...
I awake, on my feet, walking
no path, no road, which way
towards the hills, I go
I look down, a path I'm on
at a crossroad, I turn towards the higher ground
I've long since shaken off the muck and slime off me
Now I feel the sun on my face
something stirs inside, do I dare feel well
The air is fresher, my mood elevated
I'm high enough now to look back at the way I've come
the swamp still remains in my vision
up I go, my senses are returning
Suddenly I'm back on the mountain top
My spirit is overflowing, singing and praising
as I look over the wonderful sight
the swamp far below
I think, can't I stay here
must I go back to do it all again...

Atoned, atoned, atoned,
oh, how to be atoned
If I am sorry, if I am sad,
apologies I have made
But atonement, atonement
how is that to be
if I've repented from my sins
If I have repented from my sins
Does that give me atonement
Repentance, atonement
Atonement, repentance
Will I go mad
Will I go insane
you think you've gained one
But not the other
is one good, without the other
will I go mad
will I go insane

This taken from Phil's Poems and such. These Verses were first thought of in the steam room today
The following is a story you may find interesting or not.
77 years ago, on a Sunday Evening, My Mom and Dad were sitting by a fire, putting a jigsaw puzzle together, over the radio came the news, Pearl Harbor has been bombed, My Dad and 6 of his brothers all served in WW ll

A video of our day on the Piney

Early morning rabbits

One place I worked, very early in the morning I was first to arrive. My first job was to turn on the air compressors in an out building, down a slight hill with nicely cut grass on both sides of the walk down where I would enter a rather spooky room, in the back of this building. That room has some stories to it, but back to the point. On those days when the light was just a whisper, the rabbits would be out feeding in the lawns surrounding me. I, over the days got to know the chief rabbit, as time went by, day after day, the head rabbit, he got to know me. He would keep his eye on me, while munching away. So as it was alright with him,  all the other bunnies would just keep eating away. I will always treasure those moments

Facebook post on the food I eat 

Hopeful this reboot fixed things. I was thinking while I was making my dinner for tonight. I thought to myself; at work we get no breaks, but they pay us for a 30 minute lunch, that is just fine with me and I consider it one of our many benefit. Halfway till lunch while my co-workers reach for their mountain dew, I reach for my bag of plucked off the vine (Cathie often plucks them for me), black as can be, grapes. It is a burst of flavor, makes you mouth come alive. That is my pre-lunch power shot. I then eat a salad with one avocado, one hard boiled egg, many times I've already prepared a bowl containing carrots, celery, onion, green peppers, radishes. These diced up items can last 6 days mostly, but I use them up in 3. Then greens from the garden, handful of spinach, tear off a handful of lettuce ...on top, walnuts, cherry tomatoes, raisins, flax seeds ground up, Fair amount of chopped pepper flakes (hot!). Amply amount of apple cider vinegar with the mother, next generous pouring of balsamic vinegar. Drizzle olive oil over it and in the frig it goes. Then at the 3rd quarter of the shift, I eat peeled orange slices to take me up the end of the work day, yeehaw, ya got that?
 Just some info on my grapes, I buy them on a Sunday. Rinse them off, dry and in the frig they go. Come about Friday, it is bout the last day to eat them.Some people say grapes are expensive but divided over 5 sometimes 6 work days it is worth it. I have also discovered my salad tastes better after it has been soaking for several hours. you all have a good afternoon